Spanking Blog: Adult Erotic Spanking At Its Best

Sometimes the people out there who pretend to be in business really amaze me. Whatever you do, don’t try to do business with an outfit called Chocolate Fantasies (www.chocolatefantasies.com). You’ll regret it, and they don’t deserve your business.

The rest of this is long and boring and contains no spanking; I’m merely putting it here so that potential customers will always be able to find out about these jokers in Google. Feel free to skip it, with my apologies.

A couple days ago Bethie posted a blog post featuring a gummy candy whip. Because she found the whips at Chocolate Fantasies, she linked there, gratis. And because the whips amused Bethie, I tried to order some for her, for Valentine’s Day.

When I went check out with my order, I noticed they were asking for my phone number, and the form stated “Number must be valid” next to the phone number box. As is my habit, I wrote “declined” in the box. There is no valid reason for an internet merchant to telephone you regarding an order for less than twenty bucks worth of merchandise. As a matter of policy, I never give any vendor any personal information that’s not relevant to my transaction, and neither should you. Yeah, every vendor out there wants your telephone number for their marketing databases, but most of them will suck it up and do the transaction when you refuse. A few places have their forms jiggered to reject a text string like “declined” — and so when I find a vendor like that, I abort the transaction and find someone willing to do business on my terms.

This outfit, by contrast, uses a web form that accepts “Declined” in the phone number box. No problem, right?

Ha.

Next thing I know, I have a form letter in my email inbox entitled “Cannot Process Order”. The text said “I’m sorry, but we can’t process an order without a valid telephone contact” and “We have to have
this info for credit card processing, not to use for sales or give out.”

I should have aborted the transaction right there, because that email was, in my opinion, a lie. I do enough business in the online world to know a thing or two about internet credit card processing, and the bottom line is that there’s no way to use a phone number to validate a credit card transaction. Too many credit card customers (like me) don’t keep a valid phone number associated with their credit card accounts, because that information gets sold to telemarketers. So I knew right away that Chocolate Fantasies was being deliberately deceptive. It’s simply not possible that they are unable to process an order without a telephone number, or that they “have to have” the info in order to process my credit card.

The first reason I should have canceled is that these people are playing fast and loose with my personal information, demanding it when they don’t need it, and doing so under false pretenses. The second reason is that it’s a bad idea to do business with people who have what my sister calls “a loose association with the truth.” Or, as tycoon J Pierpoint Morgan used to say: “I wouldn’t buy anything from a man with no character if he offered me all the bonds in Christendom.” That goes double for people you are paying with a credit card.

However, to my eternal joy and sometimes folly, I have been led astray by a woman, and I wanted to please her by buying her some candy. So I wrote back, against my better judgment. I gave them a working phone number. And I made it clear, politely, that I wasn’t happy with their policy of requiring irrelevant personal information.

Their response was interesting:

“It’s just a policy we have because when we’ve had bad or fraudulent transactions in the past. Bad trans customers didn’t include or would give us a bad phone number for obvious reasons. We don’t use it to process a credit card.”

Here, I probably should have shut up and let them process my order. But I became angry, because here they are admitting that their previous email was a lie. How did they get from “We have to have this info for credit card processing” to “We don’t use it to process a credit card” in 51 minutes? Admittedly they moved toward truth, but the confirmation of the earlier lie got me hot.

So I wrote back. I thanked them for processing my order, but I said I was “quite displeased” by their policy of collecting irrelevant personal information under false pretenses. I explained again that my phone number (which by now I had provided them) was irrelevant to the transaction, and that if I had known in advance they would require it, I wouldn’t have placed the order. This was all polite and professional, if a bit cold. I intended to let them know that they had angered a customer, so that they could avoid doing so in the future.

Now hang on to your hats, folks, because this part will astound you. Even if nothing I’ve described so far strikes you as unusual, this will. Here’s what they wrote back:

We’ll just cancel your order since we’re really not the company for you then. We have a posted policy and it says on our website when you check out that we need your phone number.

No response to my concerns about the info collection under false pretenses, followed by what amounts to “we don’t want your business.”

From here on, I’m the fool; I should have let it drop. But I didn’t. I wrote back and explained that, although I was unhappy, I wasn’t so unhappy that I wanted to deprive my sweetheart of her Valentine candy. I asked them to reconsider. And I even said please.

That got me a more conciliatory response, the essence of which was that they would still process my order if they could make me happy. Bizarrely, this email again denied the initial misrepresentation that they had admitted to in their second email. So I explained, once again, that I was unhappy about the data collection under false pretenses, and outright angry that they had threatened to cancel my order when I dared to give them the feedback of an unhappy customer. I told them I still wanted their merchandise, but that there was probably no way I was going to ever be a happy customer. Again, I’m polite, although I doubt I sounded particularly friendly.

The reason I am banging my head against this stone wall? Doubtless it will feel good when I stop.

Their final response:

I’m sorry, we’re going to cancel your order.
Have a happy Valentine’s day.
Regards,
LLK, Inc.

It’s the “Have a happy Valentine’s day” that gets me. These people are in the candy business, right? So three weeks before Valentine’s day, they make a customer unhappy while he’s buying candy for his lady. When he explains why he’s unhappy, they say they don’t want his business. He swallows his pride and says “please” because he wants to make his lady happy. They say no. But by the way, “Have a happy Valentine’s day.”

Jerks. Two thumbs down from Spanking Blog. And from the Soviet judge? A “2”.

And now, if you’ll pardon me, I’m off to Google up a more reasonable source for gummy whips.

If you frequent the sort of spanking forums where spanko women hang out, it won’t be long before you see a woman ask “I know what we get out of getting spanked, but what’s in it for the guys?” The full answer is of course humanly complex, but the cartoon answer isn’t so very far wrong:

See Also:

• A Spanking BJ On The Upper Floor
• The Tale Of The Loitering Schoolgirl
• Caned During A Blowjob
• The Blowjob Whipping
• Innocent White Panties, Hot Bondage Sex

For whatever reason, I think I’ve linked to more articles advising women on how to get their men to spank them, than vice versa. In an attempt to remedy the imbalance, please let me introduce the hilarious The Neurotic Gentleman’s Guide to Bringing Up Spanking with Your Wife or Significant Other; or C’mon, Honey, You Know I Was Only Kidding!

A few excerpts are in order. First, the setup dialogue:

Man: I want…I want…
Wife or Significant Other: Tell me what you want, dear. I love you and want what you want.
Man: I want to spank you. With tiny panties on.
Wife or Significant Other: We’re never going to have sex again, you sick-o pervert.

My, didn’t that go well? Moving rapidly along to the helpful advice:

First, you have to remember that some women like to be spanked. Second, you have to remember that some women are deeply offended by the idea of being spanked. Third, you really, really have to remember that there’s no way to know which women are which.

Hmmm. We’re not really getting anywhere. How about a clever stratagem?

A quick slap from behind during the act of sex can be a winning strategy, just so long as you’re properly prepared. Here’s what I suggest:

Before initiating sex, use a black Sharpie to draw a tiny, irregularly-shaped speck on the palm of your spanking hand. Then, when your wife or significant other is really getting into it, give her a resounding slap on the ass. Don’t be ambiguous; spank her once sharply and keep humping.

If she lowers her head and moans, or asks for it again, harder this time, or pushes back toward your thrusting hips and grinds…you’ve survived to spank again. If she turns and glares back over her shoulder, or shows any other sign of anger or impending violence, hold up your spanking hand and show her the irregularly-shaped speck.

“Mosquito,” you explain. “Sorry.”

Then back to it before she sees that it’s not a dead mosquito on your palm at all. Don’t forget to wash your hands immediately after you’re done.

Of course, there’s much more. Fun!

Thanks to ErosBlog for the link.

Free video clips on the internet are usually too small and grainy to be much fun, even if you have the bandwidth to enjoy them properly. Sometimes, though, I see one that’s too much fun not to share. This clip comes from a shoot at Whipped Ass that features a mistress whipping her slavegirl lightly with a cane, while the girl is tied hand-and-foot in the most vulnerable position:

Found where I always go for this stuff, at Spank Slaves.

Here’s an account of another strip club spanking, written by a college boy so young and innocent that he can’t spell yet:

I took [a lapdance] from the first good looking girl that offered. This turned out to be a good thing. This chick had a massive rack, and the titties were real, my friends. Monsterous. The stripper asked me if I wanted a topless dance with touching or a full nude with no touching. I told her she could do whatever she prefered so she said she’d touch me, but still gimme some full nudity. She gave me a longer dance than usual and there was hands on action. She had me spank her, as odd as that sounds. She was bent over infront of me, spanked herself and then told me “Do it.” I didn’t know was she was talking about at first, but then I realized she wanted me to slap her ass. I slapped it lightly the first time and she says “Harder!” I slapped it a little bit harder, but again she yells, “HARDER!” This time I slapped that ass so hard that it almost hurt my hand. It made this sweet spanking sound. The stripper didn’t even flinch. She was just like “Ooh!” and smiled. I said, “God damn!” aloud. Then she took off my belt, un-did my pants and started sucking on my belt like a dick while groping my crotch. All in all, the dance was pretty solid.

“It made this sweet spanking sound….” The noise, I’m thinking, was actually the sound of his first footfall on the road to spanko pervdom.

Several recent emails and comments have asked for more explicitly sexual spanking material. Trouble is, it’s still very rare to find spanking porn that shows sex as well. As I’ve mentioned before, the absolute best source I’ve found for spanking and sex in the same place is a spanking movie studio called Far East Media. Their stuff combines heavy spanking (often culminating in tears) with follow-up fairly hardcore sex. It’s not particularly gentle, but it’s real as hell, if that’s what you are looking for. (I still haven’t found a good source that combines pleasure spankings with tender sex afterwards — so there’s an opportunity for you if you want to break into the spanking porn business.)

Thumbnail is from the movie Jesmi: Spanked And Ass-Fucked.

See Also:

• Laughing During Spanking
• Time Out For Mommy
• Spanking Sex Movies
• Spanking And Sex...In The Same Movie?

This post hurts a little bit, but I gotta do it.

They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. I don’t agree — I think money is the sincerest form of flattery — but imitation is right up there.

A couple of months ago, I heard from some of the people (including the owner) at one of the bigger commercial spanking websites. They had noticed Spanking Blog, and wanted to know a little about what I was doing. They were curious and interested. We talked some business, exchanged some emails, and so forth. They wound up buying a banner ad, and I put up one of their affiliate banners on my spanking toplist and other places. Good business, productive exchange, yadda yadda.

Time passes. Then what to my wondering eye should appear, but a new spanking blog run by the owner of the company. First post: less than a week after the exchanges with me. And what’s it called? “The Spanking Blog.” The domain name? It’s “thespankingblog.com”.

I’ll be honest: all flattery aside, it made me grumpy. These guys have a well-established brand they could have leveraged, but instead, when it came to choosing a name or domain, they settled for imitation. I’ve emailed the owner, and we’ve had a frank exchange of views, and he of course doesn’t see it my way (although he’s frank in crediting me with prompting him to realize that there was an untapped market for his products in the blog world.)

But here’s the real kicker: He’s doing a damn fine job. His blog is good. Not very interactive, but with long essays about his time in the spanking business, and inside impressions of the models, with lots of good stories about what it’s like to produce spanking pictures and videos. All, of course, illustrated with the lovely photographs for which his company is justly famous. And designed by one of his on-staff designers, so it all looks smooth and professional.

By my own blogging standards, I have to link to him. You, my readers, will enjoy his blog, which is the only link criterion that’s truly important. But what I cannot bring myself to do, is to assist him in creating the brand confusion that he sought when he chose a name and domain so close to this blog’s. Thus, all future references and links on Spanking Blog will simply refer to “The Other One”. (That way, I won’t be contributing to the confusion between our spanking blogs that he seems to be hoping for.)

If you decide to link to The Other One, I hope you’ll join me in linking to it this way.