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Ruh-Ro, Shaggy! I think somebody’s in trouble!

From Usenet.

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I’ve speculated before about the possibility that a particular genre of short, odd, illiterate, spanking emails is akin to the heavy breathing phone call — an attempt to connect with a human being who will engage in emailed communication that’s of sexual significance to the initiator of the exchange, if perhaps to no one else. Now there’s an additional bit of evidence from Analyze Julie that I’m right. She indulged one of these email writers, and it didn’t take long for him to get to his true agenda:

Date: Mon, 3 Oct 2005 10:45:13
From: “turin yarrow”
Subject: helpwithdiscipline

hi im turin, i manage a library. sometimes i am kinda naughty. do you spank naughty boys?
turin

*****
AskImagine wrote:

Well, Turin, I’m curious to hear more.

I believe, however, that someone who manages a library should be able to use apostrophes. I spank *smart* naughty boys. Impress me.

And are you local to me? I’m in the Detroit area.

Julie

*****
Date: Mon, 3 Oct 2005 13:42:17
From: “turin yarrow”
Subject: Re: helpwithdiscipline

Hello Julie,
No I am not in the Detroit area, I am in the Oklahoma area. Do you assign email spankings or only spank in person? are you a very strict spanker? I am naughty sometimes with regards to looking too hard at some of my cute librarians bottoms, peeking at their panties, I even mentioned to one girl I thought she should be spanked for not completing a task. What else may I tell you?
Thank you for writing
Turin

*****
AskImagine wrote:

Hi Turin,

I’m sorry, but no, I don’t do stuff via email. I like engaging with people face to face. Sorry!

Thanks for writing, though.

Julie

*****
Date: Tue, 4 Oct 2005 07:45:01
From: “turin yarrow”
Subject: Re: helpwithdiscipline

I understand but would you just once tell me how youd spank me for my naughty behaviours?
T

There’s a lot more, but that’s the gist of it. He’s a wanker, and he’s just looking for someone “real” to write his Penthouse Letters for him. And that, I think, explains the extreme sloppiness and brevity of the initial contacts from these folks — they need to cast a lot of bread upon the waters, and they can’t afford to waste much time baking it.

Here’s a very nice figging recipe.

Items you will need:

a naked, willing woman and a bed
a single malt at least twelve years old
a hand of ginger and a paring knife
a riding crop or cane

Take the woman to the bed. Make sure you’ve pinched her nipples cherry-red, spanked her thoroughly, and mouthed her clit into the sweetest, hardest little candy-pink erection you’ve ever had the pleasure to suckle. She will be in no mood to protest what you do next.

Tie her wrists together, then to the headboard, and pour yourself a wee dram.

Take the hand of ginger and slice off a plump finger. Pare and shape it carefully before her eyes while you explain where you are going to put it and why. Savour her panting and pleading just as you savour the heat of the whisky on your tongue.

Instruct her to flip over and present herself to you properly. If she hesitates, give her arse a light crack with the crop to show her that you’re in no mood for her nonsense.

Spread her cheeks with your fingers and thumb and press the tip of the ginger finger against her rosebud. If necessary, encourage her to relax with some pussy-rubbing. Don’t be too gentle. Note that even now, her cunt will be temptingly juicy and meaty, but you must restrain yourself for the moment.

When she is groaning, it should be an easy matter to slide the thick moist finger up her behind.

Take a seat and watch the fireworks.

Yes, she will writhe and scream as the peeled ginger stokes a blaze up her arse. If she screams anything but your name, deliver an admonitory tap: she knows better than that. Some women when figged become so animal as to spread their pussies against the bedsheets in a desperate attempt to rub themselves to orgasm, but a warning flick of the crop will put a stop to that foolishness.

She has her instructions. She knows she is not to come until you give permisssion.

Which you will do in good time: when you’ve enjoyed the last drop of that single malt. When she is shuddering and streaming with sweat and begging for you to release her. That’s when you’ll obligingly mount her and bury yourself to the hilt in her. That’s when you’ll let her come, when her muscular cunt clutches and milks you and you surge to your own groaning release deep in the furnace of her flesh.

Folks, just want to let you know I’m getting about 30 automated spam comments an hour right now. They’re all getting caught by my comment moderation procedure, so you’re not seeing them, but the process for deleting them in bulk is cumbersome and prone to error. I fear I may accidentally have deleted (or failed to approve) a few legitimate comments over the last few days. If one of your comments has gone missing, that’s likely why; please understand that the culprit is the lousy internet weather just now.

This blog entry from Journey To The Darkside made me smile. It starts with this picture:

And continues:

My shyanne’s birthday is coming up Friday. I told her to hold this paddle next to her sweet behind. She asked why, but I didn’t answer.

She asked why? Girls are so funny sometimes.

Usually when you see a fully clothed spanking picture (especially where the model is wearing blue jeans) it looks completely posed and faked. The first photo below could fall in that category, but the second (showing her facial reaction) adds a certain authenticity:

Pictures are Real Spankings pictures from the Real Spankings Pass family of spanking sites, as seen in this gallery on Spank Slaves Spanking TGP.

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Spanking contest? You mean, where sweet young lovelies compete to see who can take the most swats without breaking position, with an extra fifty for the loser?

Whoops, sorry, wrong fantasy.

No, the real story here is that Bethie is giving away free spanking stuff over at the Spanking Den spanking discussion forum:

The mini boat paddles are curiously effective and pleasing to the hand, and the Corner-Time Moose timer is cute. (Or so I am reliably informed by a person who has the cute-detecting chromosome — the same person, I must warn you, who takes umbrage when I suggest that she’s cute while she’s rubbing her cane welts.)

Contest rules are here — all you have to do to qualify for the winning drawings is submit an original spanking limerick or nanofic. (You will need to sign up at Spanking Den in order to post your contest entry, but it’s easy, free, and fast.)