That Deadly Butt Oil

So the other day Bethie wrote:

Dan started out my day with a few good spanks with the wooden kitchen spoon I just bought. We’ve been so busy lately that I haven’t been getting spanked as much and my bottom was surprisingly tender after just a few spanks. Either that or he was really swinging it!

It was definitely ouchie. I may have to buy a couple more of those spoons though. I can’t stand cooking with any utensil I get spanked with. There’s just something wrong about it but I can’t put it into words. It just feels wrong somehow! LOL

So last night the subject of the wooden spoon came up — I think I threatened to leave the bedroom and go get it, in response to some minor brattishness — and Bethie again bemoaned the fact that I had despoiled her cooking spoon and she’d never be able to use it now. I laughed and made light of the problem, thinking (as I have all along) that she was kidding. But it quickly became clear that she was serious. Incredulous, I explored her objections, which were (and I am not making this up):

1) She was concerned that during the course of a few high-velocity taps, the wooden spoon would have become contaminated with “butt oil” from her skin.

2) She was concerned that because wood is porous, the “butt oil” would have permeated the wood and will in future resist all cleansing action by detergents during the normal dishwashing process, remaining available to contaminate subsequent cooking projects.

3) Upon being pressed to define the health hazards of a few molecules of human skin oils that might survive into a future batch of food, she abandoned (grudgingly and without concessions) the “butt oil” objections and moved briskly on to Plan B. To wit, she claimed concern about bacteria, arguing that her butt area is likely rich in harmful bacteria due to its proximity to various organs of elimination.

4) When I pointed out that her standards of personal hygiene are very high, so high as to make broad-region butt bacteria an insignificant risk, she denied this. Rubbing my fingers all over her butt and then licking them, oddly enough, did not seem to reassure her. Indeed, she covered her face in her hands. Informing her that her butt oil is very tasty did not help. Really, it didn’t. For some unknown reason, she began to whimper at this point.

5) When I pointed out that we wash dishes in hot soapy water precisely because bacteria do not survive this treatment, she again raised the special porosity of wood as a risk factor. When I pointed out that wooden cooking spoons commonly languish in sinks full of dirty dishes, where bacterial counts are likely considerably higher than they are on her well-washed and lotion-reinforced butt, and yet she has no qualms about washing such spoons and re-using them in the cooking process, she was unmoved. Her unassailable counter-argument? Wait for it: “That’s different.”

What do you think, folks? Do you keep one set of kosher spoons at your house for spanking, and another for cooking? Or is it “Be damned to the butt oils, full speed ahead!” in your kitchen?

  1. Keith A commented on December 11th, 2005:

    Would you rather have her covering her face and whimpering or spread out on the bed wriggling as you use a wooden spoon on butt? Don’t be so cheap – their inexpensive – buy one and keep it in the bedroom and save yourself the time and trouble of going to the kitchen!

  2. Bonnie commented on December 11th, 2005:

    SpankBoss,

    I totally understand Bethie’s perspective. I’m not sure my reasons are any more rational, but they are slightly different. Spanking with cooking implements or cooking with spanking implements just seems, in my mind, to upset the delicately balanced natural order of all things. It creates a disruption in the force. How’s that?

    My husband doesn’t get it either. When he adapted a certain wooden hairbrush for disciplinary purposes, my response was to purchase another for everyday grooming. He interpreted my action as an endorsement of this implement and proceeded to spank me with one in each hand. Gaaaa!

    Thanks to Bethie for the ‘butt oil” theory. I’ll probably use that.

  3. Vashti commented on December 11th, 2005:

    I hate to break the news to Bethie, but wood has natural antibiotic properties. It makes it safer than plastic even after plastic has been through the dishwasher. That is why wooden cutting boards have proven so safe despite cutting raw meats on it. The cleaning process would be basically ineffective if the wood didn’t contain the nature resistance.
    One has to wonder if it is it the cooking or the spanking she is objecting to? We each have our own hang ups/fetishes to overcome. :-)

  4. Michael commented on December 11th, 2005:

    I think she (and many other women/girls) are being rediculous when they arhue that. That sweet grease that eminates is part of the smell of sweet sex for goodness sakes. Too many people(guys too in fact) treat that are of the body like its untouchable/unthinkable. Sorry, but the most intense area of bacteria known to man is the Human MOUTH. Worse than a dogs in fact. Certainly, no one wants to eat or lick human waste. At least no one normal. But take pride in the sexyness of your sweet sweet behinds ladies. Become familiar with its sweet smell and shape and use it to your every advantage over his desires!
    Enjoy and dont fear butt oil….its part of the overall attraction.

  5. Xie commented on December 11th, 2005:

    Well, but really, the very real scientific process of butt oil exists and cannot be forgotten. Do you want to spread a plague or something?

    More I think it’s a thinking of other people (as well as oneself sort of thing). Vibrators can be disinfected, but I would never use one to beat eggs. Once you’ve used a spoon as a spanking tool whether in play or punishment, it crosses the line from kitchen utensil to sex toy. Whilst it can be disinfected, the spankee still knows what it was used for and can remember when using the spoon. While this could be deliciously naughty (ooh accidental pun :D), when preparing food for other people, it seems rude and disrespectful.

    Sanitation aside, I doubt anyone eating a meal would like to be informed that their meal was prepared using tools which doubled in their hostess’ sex life. As a large part of the submissive mindset will think of others, that might be from where this desire to not cook with spanking tools comes.

    But also, kitchens are hot enough without that sort of thought. It could be unsafe (a weaker argument).

    It might also be kind of a less rational reverence or fear of spanking implements. It just… doesn’t seem right to use them for mundane tasks.

  6. leanne commented on December 11th, 2005:

    I should try that with my fiance, but I doubt it would work.

    He does have a wooden spoon that he particularly likes for discipline, and keeps in the bedroom. But if we’re in the kitchen and he decides to spank me, he just grabs a wooden spoon out of the drawer, washes it when he’s through, and puts it back in. I too find something wrong with it (not because of butt oil, but because of something else I can’t explain), but I figure he’s actually pretty good…at least he washes it himself! It’s more than most men do :-)

  7. Librarygirl commented on December 11th, 2005:

    I’m with Bethie on this one. I don’t let Matt spank me with any of the spoons and/or spatulas I use for “cooking.” That is just not right. I can’t really explain it, it’s just one of those things that just is. (So we have separate spanking and cooking spoons…)

    Bonnie, that’s so funny… I feel the same way about hairbrushes. Matt has a ton he’s bought from eBay (ebony, ivory, wood… anybody want one or a dozen?!) but I wouldn’t dream of using them on my hair. And the one nice wooden hairbrush I have, that I do use on my hair? Hidden, so that he can’t use it on me. :D

    I also feel the same way about shoes – shoes are for FEET, not bottoms! I hate it when Matt tries to spank me with one of my sandals. Ewww… it’s been on the ground!! (He got around that one, too. There is a pair of sandals, my size, in the toy bag that are for spanking, not wearing.)

    *laughs* I thought I was the only one with “crossover toy syndrome!” It’s comforting to know I’m not alone… :)

  8. David commented on December 12th, 2005:

    I think men and women think differently – that’s all.

    Bethie is right but no man could ever understand her logic – me included.

    Dan is right but hey, he’s only a *guy* — what do *we* know?

  9. Xie commented on December 12th, 2005:

    You know, I’ll just agree with David on this one ^_~

    Nah, I think it’s more a spankee/spanker sort of thing than a gender line.

  10. spankmewithaspoon commented on December 12th, 2005:

    Using the spanking spoon for cooking can’t be any less hygienic than visiting the water park. I use all objects interchangabley, spoons, brushs, sandals and feather dusters. I seem to develop an tickling affection for them that keeps me feeling hot while cooking and housecleaning. If a brush or spoon cracks while in sexual service, I save it to the out-of-commission trophy box.

  11. Michael commented on December 12th, 2005:

    No……I’ll agrree with ME on this one. I think all you girls are getting a little too(pardon the pun-on second thought dont) Anal.
    Get familiar with yer bad selves and wake up and smell the swet smell of yer greasy butt.

  12. WK commented on December 12th, 2005:

    You make some good arguments, Dan.

    However, the point you fail to notice is that you are arguing logic with a woman. From the first counter-argument, it should have been painfully obvious that you would not and could not win her over with logic. Just give it up, spank her butt, and buy another spoon.

  13. Calamity commented on December 13th, 2005:

    Not sure about the butt oil (probably should have left it at “but I can’t put it into words”), but I’m taking Bethie’s side. I’m reminded of a story in an advice column (I’m sure it was Savage Love): a couple used a zucchini during sex, and later she used it in a meal when his parents were over. The guy freaked out and wrote the letter, the girl thought it was fine. Even if the veggie was washed, wouldn’t that weird you out a little if you knew it had been in an orifice below the waist at some point, if the orifice didn’t belong to your partner? As Xie said, it seems disrespectful.

    I say get a spoon or two for the toybox. It’s inexpensive and then there won’t be any more arguments about it. (Besides that it’s just fun to go into the cooking store with such a purpose, there are a great variety of spoons to be had.)

  14. SpankBoss commented on December 13th, 2005:

    The “feeding other people with that spoon” argument, though consistent with the standards of proper hospitality, isn’t really a factor for us; we have few food-guests.

    LibraryGirl wins the prize for honesty here; she’s defined the “woman-logic” concept in a nutshell when she says “I can’t really explain it, it’s just one of those things that just is.” For most men, a startling proposition becomes funny when its propopent cannot list even a single argument in its favor; a proposition without supporting reasons cannot be taken seriously. Yet women often advance such propositions *very* seriously, and are affronted that anyone would ask for a reason. (I’m still waiting to find out why caning stuffed animals is a great evil, but I’m assured it is; and I’m a worse bastard for asking why.)

    Take heart — we have many spoons in the toybox, so many that we rarely use them; we have other things in there we like better. The beauty of the kitchen spoon is that it’s right there, right now. Besides, I never was very good at doing what I’m told.

    Fortunately, we can afford a lot of spoons, and I can contaminate them pretty much as fast as Bethie can buy them.

  15. Susie commented on December 13th, 2005:

    I gotta weigh in on this with the women/spankees. I find it astonishing that anyone would have to explain why you can’t cook with a wooden spoon that has been used in spanking. Thankfully, my husband is cheap…err, frugal. And so we have one spoon/hairbrush/spatula etc. in our toybox for his (and my) pleasure, and the cooking utensils stay unbuttoiled.

    FWIW, I don’t believe it’s the butt oil at all. I think some of us can’t stand to be distracted by the erotic significance of wooden spoons and such during non-sexual times. I’m quite a cook. If I thought about being bent over my husband’s lap and bared for a spanking every time I went to stir a pot, we’d never eat.

  16. Bethie commented on December 14th, 2005:

    I’m glad to get some support on this one! I tried to go with the argument that it just wasn’t “right” even if I didn’t know why but he just had to keep pushing me for a real reason. I never planned to tell him about my secret butt oil suspicions because I knew he’d laugh. But he just had to keep asking! Grrrrr! ;-)

    Now between the contaminated spoons and the endangered stuffed animals, it’s getting dangerous around here. I’m running out of hiding places for those things. LOL

  17. patty commented on December 14th, 2005:

    LMWSBO! Gawd that was soo funny. Bethie needs a spanking with the dreaded spatula & then she needs to use it to stir peanut butter cookies, then after Spankboss licks it clean well, Bethie will just have to be spanked again.. LOLOLOL

  18. chef commented on December 15th, 2005:

    “Butt Oil”? Really, people…

  19. Edgar Andre commented on December 15th, 2005:

    Why use a wooden spoon instead of a single-tailed whip? Could you explain it for me, please?

  20. Spanko Girl commented on December 15th, 2005:

    Good grief, I laughed hard when I read this!

    Why did I laugh? Because it resounded with me. Loudly. Especially the irrefutable logic of “That’s different”.

    Butt oil. Hee, hee…it made me smile, and it makes perfect sense.

    This post was funny…thanks.

  21. Meg commented on December 16th, 2005:

    I’m with Bethie — the kitchen and the toys are separate. Regular wooden spoons are cheap — and upscale ones that cover much more butt may as well live with the toys.

  22. guest commented on December 21st, 2005:

    simply, most people dont want to eat with something that hurt them, something that touches their skin, doesnt mean they want it to, then use it for something. its something htey hold reverence to….

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