Because of the long vacation Bethie and I just got back from, I’m painfully aware that the posts here have been pretty sterile and dull. Spanking porn pictures are all right, sometimes even quite wonderful, but a steady diet of them is not what this blog was ever about. And (though it’s a joy to have other spanking blogs to link to and quote from these days, as I did not when Spanking Blog was new) I do prefer to have time to add a little value-added commentary when quoting.
That’s partly why I’m so pleased to see Patty’s incredibly wise essay on The Myth of the Perfect, Intuitive Spanker. She pegs a point about civilized maleness and male communication patterns that is just vital:
How does Fred get his wonderful insight into my mind so he knows exactly what I need? Usually I’ve bonked him so hard up side the head with signals he’d have to be autistic not to catch on that’s how. Yes, he’s attentive and he’s genuinely loving with it when he is, but seriously, if my signals weren’t appropriately clear for him, he’d have no idea what I needed from him.
I feel so helpless sometimes when wives with so called ‘vanilla’ partners express frustration that he ‘doesn’t initiate.’ They misbehave and he doesn’t call them on it. He doesn’t spank unless they point it out and tell him he should. God damn it!!!!! You know what? Fred who is a spanker through & through, has NEVER initiated either until I pushed his buttons so hard I made him bust through the limits of his socialization and violate every legitimate rule of consensual engagement. I hurt him doing that. What’s worse, I debased myself, my credibility as an adult, and threatened the stability of my relationship by doing that.
Although Bethie and I were blessed in this regard by the fact that we met on a spanking discussion board and were never in any doubt about our compatible kinks, this still rings true to me. The socialization against violence, combined with natural male tender protective instincts toward loved ones, makes it vital (for my security and happiness anyway) that the signals be unambiguous, most days. Although I can spank Bethie pretty much at any time or for any reason without violating her trust and consent, in practice I generally don’t, not unless she’s signalling her little bottom off. When a spanking is my idea, we usually go through a process of mock-menacing (me) and mock-wheedling (her) that clarifies (for me) how receptive she is to the idea and how much she does or doesn’t want. Although she’s never said so, I’d guess that I’m actually too conservative during this process, backing off or delivering less than originally threatened because the receptive signals weren’t properly penetrating my primitive concrete male brain.
More Patty:
Fred clued me in a while ago. What would it really mean if he acted on and held me accountable for the things I did that pissed him off? We talked at length and I realized how much the disciplinary part of our lives was controlled by me and my needs and desires rather than his.
I laughed when I read that question. A little of this is fun in a spanking relationship. A man likes (OK, OK, I like) being able to growl “Do that again, woman, and I’ll beat your ass!” Especially when it’s not a completely idle threat. In too many vanilla relationships, there’s no safe way for a man to communicate that his woman is pissing him off; he’s simply supposed to grit his teeth and grimace, until he starts waking up in the middle of the night with his fists clenched in seemingly inexplicable inchoate rage.
However, a little of this precious “growls menacingly” privilege goes a long way. Carried to its logical conclusion and applied to every tiny disruption of my lazy male utopia, it would relegate Bethie to a rather slavish state, which is not what either one of us wants. Domestic discipline (which is not really what we do around here anyway, most days) is, as Patty suggests, a tricky-to-get-it-right process for giving a woman the discipline she wants and needs.
I’ll give Patty the last words:
Above all I guess I just want to say that there is no perfect spanker man, a guy who can just intuitively tell you that you need a spanking because you need one. Not in your house or in mine. What there is, is your partner. The guy you cut from the herd and fell in love with. If you’ve gotten him to come into your fantasies and try on spanking with you, you are so far a head of the game. So many others can’t get that, end up dismissed, or even demeaned and belittled for trying, or are terrified to try. You have to help him and teach him the signals that you need a spanking so he can confidently tell you so when the time is right.
You really do NOT want him to decide that you should be punished on his own. The first time may be interesting, and the second may challenge your submission, but ultimately if all spankings are his idea, the novelty will die out, the fantasy will be lost and he will hurt you just as he fears he will.
