Spanking FailMail Of The Week

Any of you who’ve been running blogs for awhile will be familiar with receiving “eccentric” emails. Some you answer, some you delete, some you leave in your inbox to marvel about and puzzle over. Mostly, I try to be nice, or at least Thumper-nice: If I can’t say something nice, I don’t say nothin’ at all.

But some of them… Words fail me, yes. But silence also fails me, this time.

Today’s example, in its entirety, spelling and capitalization exactly as original:


I stared at that, not even cataloging its manifest failings at first. The CAPSLOCK flail, the lack of pleasantries, the two completely unconnected questions, the radical disparity in difficulty between the two questions, the creepily specific focus on youth, the crap spelling and punctuation, the utter lack of effort to make smalltalk and a human connection before importuning me — none of these jumped out at me individually, not at first. I was too gobsmacked by the sheer alien feel of the thing.

I did not feel, do not feel, any of my normal instincts to be nice, to be helpful, to respond to this person (?) with something useful, or else to hold my peace. And why not? Because, at some level, this person has failed to behave in a way that feels human to me. There doesn’t seem to be enough in common, at a basic cognitive level, between us. My effort to construct a mental model of them (as we all must do when we interact with others) has aborted, and I’m staring at a metaphorical internal command line displaying blinking amber letters: “(A)bort, (R)etry, (C)ontinue…”

If you’ve gotten mails like this, I wonder whether you’ve tried to imagine the mental and physical universe from which such an email could originate. I literally cannot comprehend the mental and physical state of the human being who could compose that email, and send it, and think sending it to me was a good idea. What are their circumstances? What could they be thinking? What are their motives? What do they hope to achieve? And by what leap of self-delusion do they imagine that this email, composed in this fashion, might advance any of their goals?

It’s all a big mystery to me.

On the bright side, I’m wondering whether the DMV would sell me a FULE NUDTY vanity license plate…

  1. SpankBoss commented on December 5th, 2009:

    I forgot to say, the email had a title, in all caps:


  2. Cassandra commented on December 5th, 2009:

    I revert to the belief that there are in fact two different “breeds” of human. One never really advanced beyond the intellect present in the cave man days.

  3. Renard commented on December 5th, 2009:

    I’m guessing it’s the “mental universe” of a 13 year old who is using his parents’ computer for things he shouldn’t.

  4. Goddess with a Whip commented on December 5th, 2009:

    Thank you, SpankBoss, for providing 30 solid seconds of laughter. Happy holidays!

  5. SpankBoss commented on December 5th, 2009:

    Nobody I know was that broken and clueless at age 13.

  6. MIke commented on December 5th, 2009:

    Emails like that do make me long for the good old days of snail mail, when you could enjoy rolling the offensiveness up into a tight little ball and launch it into the garbage pail it belongs in.

  7. Stanley commented on December 5th, 2009:

    I don’t get many e-mails like that, but I do get that kind of comments, and I occasionally am equally baffled about what species of humanity possibly could be behind it. I categorize it with the types of people who somehow don’t realize that the young lady in the picture won’t be reading their comment, and even if she did, the words would be ridiculously ineffective in swaying her affections.

    When I try to visualize the author of such a message, I usually end up with somebody out of Borat’s village, who spends all day with the goats, who doesn’t really speak English, and who thinks that a computer is some kind of automatic vending machine.

  8. John commented on December 6th, 2009:

    Dear Spankboss,

    I would guess that the author of the offending missive was drunk or stoned or something worse. Probably also not an English speaker.

    One of the disadvantages of the wired world is that it is difficult to screen out thouse with whom one would normally not have or desire contact; and, it is even more challenging to even identify the most rudimentary characteristics of a correspondent.

    Or, as the famous New Yorker cartoon of the two dogs in conversation said, “On the Internet, nobody knows that you are a dog.”

    I keep the delete key very handy.

    Best regards,


  9. Bonnie commented on December 6th, 2009:

    Hi SpankBoss,

    I think this “fule” has my e-mail address as well. I’ve often pondered the origin of such messages, along with “What sort of response do they anticipate?” I remain baffled on both counts, but that doesn’t prevent me from using their e-mails as grist for silly blog posts.

    I hope you and Bethie enjoy a wonderful, warm holiday season


  10. Timory commented on December 6th, 2009:

    “Fule nudity?” Haha

    Yeah, I’d go with John in saying that this guy is not an English speaker. He prolly stuffed that e-mail through some barebones online translators, too.

    My best guess is a professional wanker. I’m betting he’s some guy who was really shy about e-mailing a sex/spanking blogger, so he screwed up his courage and in his anxiety, forgot all the necessary politenesses. Oh, and he definitely had one hand on his dick the whole time.

    I hope you get nice e-mails to cancel the weird ones out!

  11. Eric Carwardine commented on December 7th, 2009:

    Composing and sending such emails (or messages in general) is now a fairly standard part of the repertoire of the more imaginative staff-recruitment agencies. With some embellishment (such as a link back to the originator) such emails can be part of clever viral marketing campaigns. “Bivings techniques” come to mind, and I’m reminded of the relevance of Transactional Analysis (see a very old text “Games People Play”, by Eric Berne M.D.)

    The strategy is to avoid making any assumptions about the character or circumstances of the originator and to deal in a neutral way only with what you have before you. So, my prompt response would have been to reply with:

    Q: “Why don’t I see more F/f spanking, full nudity, hands over head?”

    A: Spanking can be performed in such a variety of ways that to see more than a glimpse of any particular combination is quite a rare achievement. Rest assured that if it were available we would bring you more of the style you desire.

    Q: “Where can I find a young sex slave about 18?”

    A: Two or three centuries ago you would have visited the local slave market. Sadly, such enterprises are now illegal.

    Thankyou for your inquiry. We regret our inability to be more helpful.

    Eric Carwardine, on behalf of the management.

  12. Christie commented on December 7th, 2009:

    Totally a lurker, but I’ll bite.

    I always like to imagine people who speak like that on the internet to be some sort of malfunctioning keybashing robot. The lack of punctuation only makes it better to mentally read that sort of e-mail in a frenzied monotone voice.

    ERROR ERROR. DOES NOT COMPUTE. is a sufficient response. ;)

  13. Dave commented on December 7th, 2009:



  14. Chloe commented on December 8th, 2009:

    Thank you for the post. I had a good laugh. If everything in the universe has a purpose then this individual’s purpose was to deliver a chuckle! I must say though, I know English speakers who type like that. This type of English specially has flourished after the advent of instant messaging. I actually get to meet people who type like that in real life and as a part of my job (I get emails in the same format from clients) and the sense of bewilderment is not lessened by the face to face experience.

  15. jon commented on December 9th, 2009:

    I’m not sure there is much to say about this. It is there. Grocery store. workplace. Park. And it’s always been there. And it will always be there. We live among these people. The question is whether we are these people ourselves. It could have been the guy you sit next to at work. It could be boss you answer to. It ain’t a small world after all.

  16. Graeme commented on December 9th, 2009:


    Long time no comment. I think it’s unfortunate that the kind of spelling, grammar and lack of interpersonal skills, and the total lack of humanity or understanding of the human condition is becoming more and more apparent on blogs where anyone one can and will ask a question or post a comment.

    I find it quite frightening reading some of the missives left by veiwers of Spanking Tubes content. The seeming total lack of understanding from certain quarters that what they are watching is mostly play acting for commercial gain… Not the genuine article of a real parent spanking a daughter and or what ever. And again these expressions are made in Text Speak, or with lots ox Capital letters, exclamation marks etc.

    This thing the internet, I think exposes all of humanities failings, in educating everyone in the three Rs and basic social graces.

  17. Aitch commented on December 20th, 2009:

    “FULE NUDTY” iz 3 or 4 ltrz 2 long. LOLZ 4 the FAIL. Kidding! Except for the too long part.

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