Best Food Writing Ever

Here’s a food column in the Anchorage Press that starts very promisingly:

The other day my girlfriend came home with a bag full of fresh stinging nettles that she gathered near the creek. I’m so proud of her. As a reward, I used the nettles to tie her up and spank her. Then we ate the nettles.

What’s wrong with this picture?

Well, first of all, the only nettles you’ll find this time of year are young shoots. If you’re hungry, that’s good, because young nettles are the best eating. But if you’re horny for some prickly bondage, then the springtime nettles don’t cut it. Can you imagine spanking someone with a 4-inch nettle shoot? Never happen. You want them at least waist-high, which they’ll become late spring or summer. That’s also when the stalks make the best fiber, for tying and stuff. And if you still want a little snack after your love smack, you can eat the tips (at least until they flower) and you can always eat the leaves.

After that it devolves into a tasty-sounding recipe for nettle ravioli. But you have to admit, it started strong!

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