Online Domming, As Orchidea Sees It

Considering that Bethie and I met online and conducted our preliminary courtship “there”, I’m not quite as down on the whole idea as I once was. However, skimming as many BDSM-themed blogs as I do, I see an enormous numbers of blogs talking about online relationships with a BDSM theme. And some of those (just a subset, mind, but it’s not a small subset) leave me wondering “Where is this going? And what’s the point, exactly?”

Orchidea has something to say about that. It’s a micro-rant, but quite funny:

I’ve noticed that there are increasing numbers of blogs of what I call the “let’s pretend we have a dom” genre popping up that are based on an entirely or mainly online power-exchange relationship. As I have had one such – now fortunately defunct – relationship in which I was a not very obedient online submissive, here’s my highly subjective view on and definitive guide to online D/s. Let’s jump straight in at the deep end, shall we?

The online lord muck/master/dom will expect you to surrender your body and soul (megalomaniacal control freak?) to him whilst offering little or no physical or emotional security in return. Don’t underestimate the potential for soul-destructiveness; unless you’re an accomplished dissembler (and therapy has ensured that I’m not), it puts a terrible strain on your relationship/marriage. The emotional connection and sexuality in the [primary] relationship can quickly become unrecognisably diluted, and you’ll vacillate uncontrollably between the sobering weight of accruing guilt and the feather-light vertiginous empowerment and exhilaration of finally enacting some of your clandestine sexual fantasies. Letting the greater part of your sexual energy flow into the online D/s interaction leaves a poor quality of intimacy to share with the flesh-and-blood partner who may not share your kink, but shares your bed and your life, looks out for you and loves you.

The online master may at some stage profess his love for you, but what he really means is that he loves what you do for him, i.e. give him the kind of hard-on he’d find difficult or impossible to achieve and sustain through vanilla sex, and what you allow him to do to you. He might insinuate that he no longer has sex with/is separated from/in the process of divorcing his wife etc. etc. He might even brazenly claim that you are the “love of his life” and promise you the solar system. That’s bollocks, or, in other words, he’s thinking with them. He might think with them for a few seconds at a time or for the duration of each interaction with you. You aren’t immune to thinking with your bits, proclaiming eternal adoration and entertaining wonderfully impossible and insane fantasies either; especially when you’re on your knees with a plug of ginger up your arse and your hot, sticky fingers working frantically away at your clit until he solemnly commands your release with the words: “come little girl, come for your master”. (Oh, and never forget that all your orgasms are his property, not yours.) The initial thrill and undercurrent of perpetual arousal are intoxicating and hard to resist, and you might be wanking yourself senseless so frequently you succumb to chronic thrush (particularly in a warm, humid summer). After two or three weeks, the honeymoon phase is over, the novelty wears off, coming on demand becomes rather like hard work and boring to boot, and you discover that the five minutes during which you’re supposed to be bringing yourself to the brink of orgasm (and I mean the brink; coming without permission is a cardinal sin in the world of online D/s – if you’re into severe, humiliating, excruciating punishment, it’s perfectly OK, of course) are a great opportunity for getting yourself a cup of tea or a double espresso. Much more satisfying than losing your eyesight, too. Providing you aren’t chained to a webcam, he’ll be none the wiser. He’s busy too, remember; watering his cactus or something.

Thanks to Fleshbot for the link.

  1. Haron commented on February 13th, 2006:

    Thanks for the link! She’s sooo right in so many ways. (And yeah, Abel and I also met online. *g*)

  2. orchidea commented on February 14th, 2006:

    I’d like to stress that I was in no way taking a swipe at those in long-distance relationships of any persuasion; I’m referring solely to 24/7 online D/s; the “serious” kind (so why is it so hilarious?!) with Rules (and plenty of them) and Punishments for infractions.

  3. Sarah commented on February 19th, 2006:

    Orchidea insight is right on the money. Unfortunately some do not realize the dangers until it is too late and the damage is done, and some of the damage such as a wrecked relationship is irreversible, and we are not even mentioning the emotional turmoil you must also deal with when the relationship ends, and it will end, usually in a very hurtful way. Heed her words and be wise with your heart and your mind.

  4. Mija commented on February 19th, 2006:

    What she said (and I mean all of the above shes).

    It happens via blogs, on irc or whatever other form of chat there might be. and yes, it can destroy ones real life and sanity, demanding much while giving nothing. I’ve seen it happen to too many women (both barely old enough to be an adult online and those old enough to be my mother).

    And yes, my partner and I did meet on-line and carry out our relationship from some 6000 miles apart, including some elements of D/s and even punishment. The difference? He was giving as much as I was and he wasn’t claiming or wanting to control me.

    Thanks for the wisdom and reminder. :)

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