For whatever reason, I think I’ve linked to more articles advising women on how to get their men to spank them, than vice versa. In an attempt to remedy the imbalance, please let me introduce the hilarious The Neurotic Gentleman’s Guide to Bringing Up Spanking with Your Wife or Significant Other; or C’mon, Honey, You Know I Was Only Kidding!
A few excerpts are in order. First, the setup dialogue:
Man: I want…I want…
Wife or Significant Other: Tell me what you want, dear. I love you and want what you want.
Man: I want to spank you. With tiny panties on.
Wife or Significant Other: We’re never going to have sex again, you sick-o pervert.
My, didn’t that go well? Moving rapidly along to the helpful advice:
First, you have to remember that some women like to be spanked. Second, you have to remember that some women are deeply offended by the idea of being spanked. Third, you really, really have to remember that there’s no way to know which women are which.
Hmmm. We’re not really getting anywhere. How about a clever stratagem?
A quick slap from behind during the act of sex can be a winning strategy, just so long as you’re properly prepared. Here’s what I suggest:
Before initiating sex, use a black Sharpie to draw a tiny, irregularly-shaped speck on the palm of your spanking hand. Then, when your wife or significant other is really getting into it, give her a resounding slap on the ass. Don’t be ambiguous; spank her once sharply and keep humping.
If she lowers her head and moans, or asks for it again, harder this time, or pushes back toward your thrusting hips and grinds…you’ve survived to spank again. If she turns and glares back over her shoulder, or shows any other sign of anger or impending violence, hold up your spanking hand and show her the irregularly-shaped speck.
“Mosquito,” you explain. “Sorry.”
Then back to it before she sees that it’s not a dead mosquito on your palm at all. Don’t forget to wash your hands immediately after you’re done.
Of course, there’s much more. Fun!
Thanks to ErosBlog for the link.