Two Kinds Of Submissives

I’ve noticed that lots of the BDSM-themed blogs I link to (and many more of the ones those blogs link to) are characterized by a great deal of relationship drama, stress, and unhappiness. Not all of them, by any means, but lots. I’ve never been entirely sure why this was so.

Perhaps this unattributed quote (found at Mistress Matisse’s place) sheds some light on the subject:

“There are really two kinds of submissives in the world: those who believe they don’t deserve any better, and those who believe they don’t deserve any less.”

I think much of the drama is generated by the first sort, and by the partners they settle for. In my experience, women of low self-esteem are hard to maintain happy stable relationships with, no matter how much you cane them.

On the other hand, Bethie is very much the second sort (although she’s not precisely “a submissive” as we tend to use the word.) She knows what she wants and she knows she’s worth it — for which I am more thankful than mere words can say.

  1. Erica commented on March 10th, 2005:

    Amen to Bethie, and to healthy kinky relationships!

    I remember being at a BDSM party a couple of years ago, and a man was showing off his wife’s whip scars on her breasts and back and referring to her as his “cuttable slave.” She said not a word, just kept her eyes cast down and smiled a little. I had to leave the room before my big mouth shot off something inappropriate. This is why I tend to stick to spanking/Shadow Lane parties these days.

    Oh, at the same party, I recall that I was just about to play with a gentleman and he paused and asked, with all sincerity, “Wait — is this all right with your owner?” I wonder if I woke up the neighbors with my “My WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT???????” (snicker)

  2. Confused commented on March 10th, 2005:

    Definitely the second kind here.

    Have known a fair few of the first kind, even if they weren’t calling themselves submissives.

  3. SmokingGun commented on March 10th, 2005:

    The first type of person is amazingly difficult to deal with even in vanilla relationships.

  4. Erica commented on March 10th, 2005:

    I dunno, it seems to me that if a man wants the first type of woman, he could save himself a lot of time and expense, head to his local house-and-garden store and buy himself a doormat. :-)

  5. Sarah commented on March 10th, 2005:

    I think I would come back with a quote that would go something like:

    There are two types of Dom/Dommes, those that have the power to control, and those that control to have the power.

    Having low self esteem doesnt have to make you a doormat.

  6. freakangel commented on March 10th, 2005:

    It is hard to fix a girl with low self-esteem, she must learn that the only person who can fix her, is herself. I learned this lesson the hard way. None of us can certainly be perfect, in fact it is our imperfections that make us endearing. Nobody wants a cookie-cutter slave. ^.^

  7. saltdog commented on March 10th, 2005:

    How is having a girl who is supposed to succumb to your every desire *not* a doormat? I’m not trolling, I’m just confused.

  8. kandye commented on July 29th, 2005:

    to me being submissive is just who i am…what i’m at peace with. i compare it to being gay. If you are… you are…end of story… it just is…the joy i get from pleasing my Master/husband…in that order…gives me a feeling i wouldn’t trade for anything…and to me at least…what makes me not a doormat is that i do it because i choose too…not because i think He’d leave me if i didn’t or because i don’t deserve any better…You see…the big secret is…He needs me to find His fullfillment as much as i need Him..the give and take of it all…neither complete without the other. Submissives have much more power than You realize….

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