Mythical Spankers

Because of the long vacation Bethie and I just got back from, I’m painfully aware that the posts here have been pretty sterile and dull. Spanking porn pictures are all right, sometimes even quite wonderful, but a steady diet of them is not what this blog was ever about. And (though it’s a joy to have other spanking blogs to link to and quote from these days, as I did not when Spanking Blog was new) I do prefer to have time to add a little value-added commentary when quoting.

That’s partly why I’m so pleased to see Patty’s incredibly wise essay on The Myth of the Perfect, Intuitive Spanker. She pegs a point about civilized maleness and male communication patterns that is just vital:

How does Fred get his wonderful insight into my mind so he knows exactly what I need? Usually I’ve bonked him so hard up side the head with signals he’d have to be autistic not to catch on that’s how. Yes, he’s attentive and he’s genuinely loving with it when he is, but seriously, if my signals weren’t appropriately clear for him, he’d have no idea what I needed from him.

I feel so helpless sometimes when wives with so called ‘vanilla’ partners express frustration that he ‘doesn’t initiate.’ They misbehave and he doesn’t call them on it. He doesn’t spank unless they point it out and tell him he should. God damn it!!!!! You know what? Fred who is a spanker through & through, has NEVER initiated either until I pushed his buttons so hard I made him bust through the limits of his socialization and violate every legitimate rule of consensual engagement. I hurt him doing that. What’s worse, I debased myself, my credibility as an adult, and threatened the stability of my relationship by doing that.

Although Bethie and I were blessed in this regard by the fact that we met on a spanking discussion board and were never in any doubt about our compatible kinks, this still rings true to me. The socialization against violence, combined with natural male tender protective instincts toward loved ones, makes it vital (for my security and happiness anyway) that the signals be unambiguous, most days. Although I can spank Bethie pretty much at any time or for any reason without violating her trust and consent, in practice I generally don’t, not unless she’s signalling her little bottom off. When a spanking is my idea, we usually go through a process of mock-menacing (me) and mock-wheedling (her) that clarifies (for me) how receptive she is to the idea and how much she does or doesn’t want. Although she’s never said so, I’d guess that I’m actually too conservative during this process, backing off or delivering less than originally threatened because the receptive signals weren’t properly penetrating my primitive concrete male brain.

More Patty:

Fred clued me in a while ago. What would it really mean if he acted on and held me accountable for the things I did that pissed him off? We talked at length and I realized how much the disciplinary part of our lives was controlled by me and my needs and desires rather than his.

I laughed when I read that question. A little of this is fun in a spanking relationship. A man likes (OK, OK, I like) being able to growl “Do that again, woman, and I’ll beat your ass!” Especially when it’s not a completely idle threat. In too many vanilla relationships, there’s no safe way for a man to communicate that his woman is pissing him off; he’s simply supposed to grit his teeth and grimace, until he starts waking up in the middle of the night with his fists clenched in seemingly inexplicable inchoate rage.

However, a little of this precious “growls menacingly” privilege goes a long way. Carried to its logical conclusion and applied to every tiny disruption of my lazy male utopia, it would relegate Bethie to a rather slavish state, which is not what either one of us wants. Domestic discipline (which is not really what we do around here anyway, most days) is, as Patty suggests, a tricky-to-get-it-right process for giving a woman the discipline she wants and needs.

I’ll give Patty the last words:

Above all I guess I just want to say that there is no perfect spanker man, a guy who can just intuitively tell you that you need a spanking because you need one. Not in your house or in mine. What there is, is your partner. The guy you cut from the herd and fell in love with. If you’ve gotten him to come into your fantasies and try on spanking with you, you are so far a head of the game. So many others can’t get that, end up dismissed, or even demeaned and belittled for trying, or are terrified to try. You have to help him and teach him the signals that you need a spanking so he can confidently tell you so when the time is right.

You really do NOT want him to decide that you should be punished on his own. The first time may be interesting, and the second may challenge your submission, but ultimately if all spankings are his idea, the novelty will die out, the fantasy will be lost and he will hurt you just as he fears he will.

  1. Bethie commented on September 5th, 2005:

    I feel lucky to have found you but I also know there’s more than luck involved while we negotiate our relationship. It’s not easy but it’s vital and always ongoing. And worth it! We’re both getting what we need and desire.

    Ummm I’ve never found you too conservative btw. If I think you’re backing off or not delivering, I know of plenty of ways to get you back on track. I guess that’s what you meant about me signalling my bottom off? :-)

  2. Annie commented on September 5th, 2005:

    this is brilliantly insightful.

  3. Distracted commented on September 6th, 2005:

    This is an interesting post, resulting in my first blog comment for a very long time. In my experience, women are frequently capricious creatures, and developing sufficient insight to fulfill their desires is a lifelong ambition for men in search of a true partnered relationship combined with erotic pleasure. I have spanked several women. Some of them have been very clear about what they want. Generally this rapidly detracts from my pleasure, as the continual female initiator inadvertently places me in a role which does not feed my imagination. In a very few instances women have wanted much more severe spankings or especially canings than I am willing to deliver. This pushing of the boundaries signals different limits of acceptability – and inevitably the decline of the relationship for me. There is a fine line in my mind (and I am not suggesting that others should feel the same way) between “punishment” for mutual pleasure, and the same “punishment”, for want of a better word, that turns into abuse. It may surprise some readers to consider that the spanker (me, say) can feel abused by a woman who is demanding far more severe treatment than I think is reasonable for me to deliver.

    Some women will accept a spanking as part of our sexual repertoire. Although it does not necessarily turn them on greatly, they do it out of love and curiosity. My present girlfriend is in this category. I have never spanked her hard, but she now derives pleasure from a light spanking and I find that both the build up to this (telling her what is going to happen to her for instance) and the delicious lowering of her panties and placing her over my knee, creates a special sexual frisson that we both enjoy. She is also rather exhibitionistic, which adds to the opportunities for pleasure. With her I usually initiate the spanking. But, surprisingly perhaps, quite often she deliberately does “naughty” things that she knows will elicit a threat. And more than once she has delivered her pert derriere across my lap with no preamble whatsoever.

    She knows exactly what she is doing (and by this I mean that she is just as much in control of the situation as I like to delude myself that I am) and she has a high degree of trust that I will not abuse her. For me I would far rather have a woman like this, who I know loves me and who accepts and enjoys the diverse element of my erotic imagination, than have a woman who will happily take a good hard spanking but who interests me less in other ways. A few years ago, when exploring my own boundaries, I would have held a different view – “give me a girl who can take a good caning” , but now I have discovered that it is mostly in the mind anyway, so my present “middle road” is a happy one for me.

    Of course, many women abhor spanking. They see it as subjugation perhaps, or simply too kinky for them. I had a long term lover who held this view. She tried it, but she could not escape the feeling that a man who wanted to do this to women was not normal. It is a fair perspective for her. It did succeed in making me feel rather guilty actually, and I still get this effect when I meet her.

    A close girlfriend once said to me about her husband: “He is forever trying to understand me. I don’t want to be understood! I just want him to be a man.” He cannot win. She wants him to know instinctively how to handle her (which can involve putting her over his knee to give her a red bare bottom, and then put her on her back for a vigorous coupling). And if she tells him then it obviously wont be instinctive, so she keeps quiet and lets her irritation with him fester, fulfilling her wilder desires elsewhere. I would like to tell him really, but I know he wont understand. Will men ever?

  4. patty commented on September 8th, 2005:

    Hey Dan :) I could’t help but smile when you immediately twigged on what I only hinted at about what it would really mean if Fred held me to standards based on his outlook alone. Domination is sexy, domineering is quite short on potential.

    Glad you liked the essay.

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