Spanking Too Weird For Him

If you spend much time on spanko discussion boards, you’ll find a lot of women describing variations on this problem, as described to the Love Bites online advice column:

I am a girl who really likes to be spanked. My last boyfriend was really into it and I would get off with him spanking me all the time, but my new fella is not this way inclined at all. I asked him about it and he was like, “No way, I’m not going to hit you, that’s just weird.” I like this guy but I really need to be spanked. How can I convince him this is fun and hot and not weird?

Although Sasha at Love Bites doesn’t have a better solution to this difficult problem than anybody else does, I thought her speculation on one of the reasons a man might feel this way was rather elegant:

S/M is very intricate, and requires a person to look beyond an ethical awareness of violence (and in his case, what human rights activists identify as the most widespread — towards women). Your boyfriend’s aversion to hitting you probably comes from a place of real concern, and may be rooted in a former S/M relationship gone awry, or family violence. Any conscientious man who’s seen his father strike his mother is going to struggle with this.

Of course, it’s also possible the guy is just a tight-assed narrow-minded prick. What sort of mannerless shmendrick tells the new girlfriend her sexual proposal is weird? There have got to be better ways of saying no. Besides, whatever happened to the old “Don’t say no to anything until you’ve tasted a bite of it” principle? I mean, did this man not have a mother to teach him basic manners?

  1. baby commented on March 10th, 2005:

    lmao SpankBoss!! i think that maybe this guy just took his momma serious when she told him “Johnny never, ever hit a girl!” see…that’s why you’re supposed to tell them “Never strike a girl in ANGER!” there’s a DIFFERENCE!! :)
    BTW…wtf is a shmendrick?? LOL!!

  2. chibob commented on March 10th, 2005:

    Bo Bradham writ:

    : The word “schmendrick.” What does it mean, where does it come from?

    : I searched the OED using a couple of different spellings, but
    : to no avail

    Well, of course you wouldn’t find it _there_, ya cute li’l shaygets, you.

    >From _The Joys of Yiddish_, by Leo Rosten, ISBN 0-671-72813-X:


    Pronounced SHMEN-drick, to rhyme with “Hendrick.” From the name of the character in an operetta by Abraham Goldfaden.

    A Caspar Milquetoast; a kind of *shlemiel* – but weak and thin. (That, at least, is how I visualize it.) A shlemiel can be physically impressive, but not a shmendrick. A shmendrick is small, short, weak, thin, a young *nebech*, perhaps an apprentice shlemiel.
    A pipsqueak; a no-account; the opposite of a *mensh*. ‘That shmendrick, maybe he’ll grow up to be a mensh.’
    Someone who can’t succeed but thinks he can, and persists in acting as though he might. ‘He has all the unrealistic hopes of a shmendrick.’
    A boy, or young man; someone ‘we behind the ears.’ ‘That shmendrick can’t be trusted with such responsibility.’
    A child (affectionately). ‘How’s my little shmendrick.’
    Penis (colloquial; rarely used by men. When used by a female, the intention is to deride by diminutizing.).
    A woman began to beat her shmendrick of a husband, who crawled under the bed.
    ‘Come out!’, she cried.
    ‘No!’ he said. ‘I’ll show you who’s boss in this house!'”


  3. Elissa commented on March 10th, 2005:

    I had an ex who I asked to spank me during sex….and he told me it was “disgusting”. I should have left after that point, but ended up staying 3 more years before finally getting out.

  4. David commented on March 10th, 2005:

    Lots of things to comment on.

    ” (and in his case, what human rights activists identify as the most widespread — towards women)”

    Actually, men die the vast majority of violent deaths and men suffer the vast majority of injuries due to violence. If you include “prison rape” there is even reason to suggest that men suffer the vast majority of sexual assaults. Most of the violence in the world isn’t man on woman, it’s man-on-man. I think someone needs to clarify what they are saying before throwing claims like that around.

    “Of course, it’s also possible the guy is just a tight-assed narrow-minded prick. What sort of mannerless shmendrick tells the new girlfriend her sexual proposal is weird?”

    Well , if you’re all for manners when declining someone’s sexual requests, I’ll agree with you. But would you be as harsh on the lady if she had told him the same thing in response to a request of his. Say he wanted to be spanked. Do you hold her responsible for trying something before refusing it, as well? Or do only women get to define sexual taste?

  5. Melissa commented on March 10th, 2005:

    I decided after my last vanilla relationship that I would NEVER ever get involved with someone unless they share my kink. It gets hard to be the “freak” and it is important to find people who love what you love.

    I’d rather be alone forever that with someone who makes me feel alone in my own sexuality.

    Vanilla people are not selfish from us- just expressing THEIR sexual desires… but ohhh wouldn’t it be nice if they were the oddballs and kinky people were the norm?

    ps – keep up the lovely work! And cheers to B. for keeping up the stories when you were away!!


  6. Confused commented on March 10th, 2005:

    David: ”
    ” (and in his case, what human rights activists identify as the most widespread — towards women)”
    ” wasn’t SB’s comment – it was a quote from another site. And neithre SB nor t’other site were making any claims as it being _their_ viewpoint, just that of (some?) human rights activists.

    As for the manners – I think SB would be equally harsh had it been the woman who had called the man weird for wanting to spank/be spanked.

  7. Spankboss commented on March 10th, 2005:

    Let’s not overanalyze my efforts at humorous ranting about rude schmucks. I think people should be gentle in refusing sexual proposals. But of course it’s OK to say “no” without trying a thing, although mother’s advice to taste first is probably a good idea. Failing to follow that advice can lead to fifteen years of missed pleasure.

  8. David commented on March 10th, 2005:

    The first part of my post wasn’t really directed at you, SB. I know you were just reporting what someone else said. I was merely fighting that perception. As for your ranting about rude schmucks I am in full agreement. I’m sorry that in trying to elicit your beliefs I might have jumped on you a little bit. I think next time, I’ll be sure to ask BEFORE I comment, not ask AND comment at the same time.

  9. TheBoss commented on March 10th, 2005:

    If he likes her enough, he’ll at least give it a try and perhaps she should put it in those terms.

    If you like someone, you have to accept ALL of them to be in a relationship with them. If he can’t handle that aspect of her, then she’s probably better off without him.

    OTOH, if it really is the physical act and not the domination aspects she enjoys, she can set up a simple no spank=no sex, spanking=sex equation in his mind. He may find that a simple pavlovian response makes him a spanko in no time at all!

  10. Paige Holliday commented on March 10th, 2005:

    I met my fiance through a spanking personal ad about 5 years ago. We’ve had such GREAT spanking fun, are really suited to each other as far as what we like to do. Sometimes he wants to pursue our erotic hobby more than I do and I want straight sex at least occasionally. We’ve been able to express our needs to each other and work out mutually satisfying compromises. I just can’t imagine going back to a beige relationship. Reading this makes me appreciate him even more! Makes me a bit itchy for a spanking too, he’ll like that….

    I wouldn’t be too hard on a guy who can’t loosen up if he thinks spanking = hitting. The best way may be to reframe the situation as being non violent fun, starting with playful pats on a bare tushy. Maybe traded for something he really likes? Reconditioning takes time.

  11. js commented on July 4th, 2006:

    IF he does not warm up eough after you have done what you can do show him it is fun and not violence, move on. I am sorry, but my experience is that every relationship with vanilla and kinky people is hugely strained. It is like someone who is gay “settling” in a heterosexual marraige. It can work, but it is hard and probably reflects many differences beyond sex alone. Now that people are more out in the open about this, there is not reason to set yourself up for a lifetime of disapointment. Get someone who you are compatible with. IMO.

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