Bethie, who puts most of the joy in my life these days, is going to get a bath brush spanking. And she knows it.
She’s coming to visit soon. We’re both very excited. And of course, this means that spanking toys must be procured.
So, way back on the 5th of December, we were chatting on the phone and I threatened to buy her the infamous Vermont Country Store bath brush. I had the web page up on my screen and my credit card in my hand and everything. She does not think this is a good idea, for some odd reason. “You don’t need one of those!” quoths Bethie. “I have lots of bath brushes.”
By this time I am about to start typing in my credit card information. “So? What good does that do me?”
“I’ll send you one. I’ll send you two! In fact, I’ll go down to the post office on Monday and send them right to you. You don’t need to order one.”
Being the suspicious fellow that I am: “You’ll send them on Monday? Without fail? This isn’t just a ploy to keep me from making the order?” I’m teasing, I think.
“I’ll send them, I promise!”
“OK.” So I forbear from ordering.
Time passes. No bath brushes arrive.
Eventually I mention them. “Oh! I forgot! Don’t worry, I’ll send them next time I get to the post office! I have to mail your Christmas present anyway.”
I figure perhaps a bath brush will be included in or with that package, so I wait patiently. The Christmas package arrives. No sign of a bath brush, but there’s a wrapped present inside. Possibly, possibly. I hold my peace.
Christmas arrives. I unwrap a very nice gift. But you guessed it: still no bath brush.
“Oh! I forgot again! I was so busy with Christmas and all. Don’t worry, I’ll send them to you, I promise!”
“As soon as I can, I guess….”
“You do realize that you’re getting a spanking for all these delays, one bath brush stroke for every day of difference between the December 8 date you promised to send them and the actual postmark on the package?”
Silence. Then: “Ulp….” An entertaining hour of discussion follows: mock outrage, professions of astonishment that I might be serious, heartfelt pleas for me to reconsider, earnest promises to post bath brushes forthwith, etc. I am unmoved.
This was on Christmas day. Yesterday, four (!) postal days later, after at least that many entertaining efforts to talk me out of my resolve, she finally put the bath brushes in the mail. December 30. 30 minus 8 equals 22.
And that’s only one of the spankings she’s got coming….