Memo from The Boss: Life Isn’t Fair

“The Boss” wrote in to share an essay he worked up from a spanking lecture. Given the close (one might even say “warm”) connection between spanking and certain D/s lifestyles, I thought some of my readers would enjoy hearing from The Boss about his personal approach to the D/s game and to his own well-spanked subbie:

Fairness and the Dom/Sub Relationship
By The Boss

The first and foremost thing one must understand about fairness
is that it is a HUMAN invention. It does not exist in nature nor,
arguably, is it even a major factor in most human cultures. Bad
things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people.
“C’est la vie” captures the spirit of this, but doesn’t go far enough.
The basic truth is LIFE is not fair.

On the other hand, dominance and submission are facts of life,
both in nature and the human world. One buck will have all the
does he wants and the vast majority will go without. The head
lion gets his “lion’s share” despite not participating in the
hunt. Lesser dogs will lay on their backs and turn up
their bellies to the alpha male when he comes around. Why is
this the case? Because it WORKS . . . without a hint of
fairness at all.

There is no denying the basic human emotion that desires for
things to work out ‘right’. Criminals SHOULD be punished,
and the virtuous SHOULD have their rewards. But the
EXPECTATION of fairness is a relatively recent development.
What we must question is whether this expectation
is reasonable or not. Or whether it may only be
reasonable in some circumstances and not others.

I would argue that fairness is neither reasonable or
even desirable in a D/s relationship. Is it ‘fair’
that one person have most or all the power? Is it
fair for a submissive to be punished for infractions
(real OR imaginary), while her dominant operates under
no such penalties? Not at all!

A healthy D/s relationship has many good qualities,
but fairness is not among them. It should be based
on trust, respect, caring and a healthy dose of
responsibility (on the part of all members). But
the essential fact is that the dominant has all
the authority. All of it. With that comes all of
the responsibility. And yet, it is the submissive
who ends up with the whipped tail and waiting on her
master, literally hand and foot at times.

The eternal cry of the freshly punished subbie is
“That’s not fair!” True, and that’s the way it should
be. The contract between a dominant and his submissive
(whether explicit or implied) is “I will care for you,
but I have the right to guide you, use you or
discipline you as I see fit.” Nowhere in there is the
responsibility to cater to anyone’s sense of fairness.
To do so would undermine the essential UNfairness
of the transfer of power inherent in all hierarchical

Nor does a submissive, deep down, truly desire fairness.
By ceding power, she is saying, “Do not be fair to
me, CONTROL me.”

The fairness doctrine insists that people be treated
equally and identically for the same actions. If a
sub makes a mistake, she may be whipped, denied
pleasures or forced to perform some arduous task. A
dominant, making the same mistake, might simply
make a sincere apology. Should the bottom get to
swat the top in the latter case? Of course not!

A dominant should strive to be consistent,
even-handed, and authoritative. But fairness should
be avoided in all its forms. And BOTH parties will
be happier for it.

Obviously this is not your typical politically correct Bay Area negotiated playspace power exchange we are talking about. But who cares, if the players are happy?

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